anxiety

i’ve been feeling really anxious lately and i don’t know why. i’ve been off medication for about a year now. i’ve had my ups and downs for sure but, on the whole, i’ve been doing okay. i know that’s because i was on a schedule. my life turns upside down (when it comes to sleeping, i mean that literally) when i don’t follow a routine. i finished working full-time on june 30^th. right away, we went on our mini-holiday to montreal. (check out my video i posted on youtube of me getting a hug from rivers cuomo!) in mid-july, we also went to visit jay’s family in edmonton for 10 days too. other than those 2 trips and the few days i’ve been working (occasional wednesdays to help out with field trips), summer has been a complete disaster. i started with such high hopes and aspirations. i wanted to work out and do a lot of cleaning. i wanted to get things done! working out? nothing… i spent one day cleaning and, surprisingly, got quite a bit done but that was it for that too. this wednesday is officially my last day at work. then i have absolutely nothing stopping me from my destructive behaviour for the rest of the summer. (ugh, i have to write a thank-you letter to my boss by then too!)

just how bad is it? for example, as you might have read in the past few posts, i didn’t sleep at all friday night. i woke up at 4pm on friday and stayed up for more than 24 hours. i felt shaky and my eyes felt like they were on fire. i finally crashed on the couch around 6 or 6:30, i think, but woke up around 9:30 or 10 to hang out with jay for a bit before we went up to bed at about 1am. so, that was saturday. i spent all that time at the kitchen table “playing” with blogs. i really did just sit there barely moving for, like, 22 hours. i got up to make tea and to pee. today is sunday, right? well, it’s almost 4am so i guess it’s monday now. i woke up today at 1:30 when tay called and i talked to him for half an hour. i didn’t get out of bed. i had such a headache I went back to sleep. (oh yeah, there was a thunderstorm so i told jay to come up and we’d have a little snuggle until he had to get ready for work.) when jay left for work, i woke up to say bye and then stayed asleep until 8pm. when i finally came downstairs, i sat down on the couch. aside from putting away the dishes from the dishwasher and doing one load of laundry, i haven’t much moved from this spot. who knows when i’ll get up and go back to bed. jay will be pretty mad or at least disappointed if it isn’t soon. that’s pretty much typical of how the summer has been.

but this anxiety thing, like i mentioned, is bothering me. i feel like i have a lot of things i need to be doing. but when i’m in bed, i think to myself that i really have no reason to get up because i’ll just be sitting on the couch doing nothing which is not very appealing either. even now, i could be doing things i want to get done but i’m not. i use the excuse that jay is trying to sleep so i shouldn’t make noise and disturb him. but it’s just that~ if i was cleaning or something, he wouldn’t care. so, when i do finally go to bed, i can’t sleep. of course cause i slept too much already. but even when i’m tired and want to sleep, i toss and turn because i get these anxious feelings that jerk me awake and make my stomach hurt. lately it’s been about not writing an complaint email to j-list for owing me items from two orders from over 6 months ago. i’ve been putting it off for that long and now i feel sick about it. it’s gone beyond that nagging feeling. it’s little things like that that are bothering me. nothing important.

summer is almost over. i really only have around 15-20 days left. 3 of those, i have to do stuff for school. go to 2 orientation things and go to install something on my laptop. gotta get my student card one of those days too. (these things are also causing me anxiety.)

i know it’ll be a good thing for me to be in school ~ have a routine again. but i’m worried. my track record for school is not the greatest. especially when it comes to ece. plus, it’s more like a high school routine rather than in university when i had a class here and there. if it’s anything like when i took it in winnipeg, i’ll be there all day every day from like 8 to 3 or something. and then i’ll have placements too. ugh. i don’t think the work will be difficult (it wasn’t the first time) but i have a habit of not doing it regardless. i know it sounds like i’m defeating myself before i even start. i don’t want to think that way. especially when i know what i do about the law of attraction! i want to be excited about “this new stage in my life” as jay put it.

i had 2 fortune cookies recently and they were both similar in their messages. i didn’t keep them so i don’t remember the exact wording but on said something like “you are capable of accomplishing great things when you put your mind to it” and the other… oh, i can’t remember but something about how i can work really hard. i’ve always thought of myself as someone who puts in the bare minimum work and just goes with the flow. that isn’t a good way to be! i want to change that. maybe i should have kept the fortunes…